Sunday, August 17, 2008

Some self-reflection, aka what Brax has been up to!

Ok, guys. I know I haven't blogged in a long time and have been generally slacking this summer. Part of it was because I went through a big ole life change and moved and had technology problems, but part of it was also because I got really lazy about blogging. Brucie, I'm sorry! But from here on out, I vow to be much more on top of the blogging stuff!

Overall, I have been treating this summer as a big vacation, like we used to have in school. I have been working a little bit, but I've mostly been slowing down, going for walks, knitting, and drinking wine on porches with friends. It might not have been the most responsible decision to quit my job and move to Columbus, but it sure feels like the right one.

I spent two years in Toledo, doing nothing but working. At the time I took the job, it was really important for me to move away. I had graduated from college and worked 2 jobs for about a year, and I was starting to worry that I would never have a "real" job or generally amount to anything. And while I really loved my friends here, I was experiencing that thing that happens inside of every recent Bachelor of Arts graduate: the furious recognition that I wasted $40,000 on an education that may very well have me waiting tables forever, and the urge to jump in the car and drive it straight to the ocean. So when I was offered this job, it was like a miracle.

At first, I was so excited! I worked 50-plus hours a week, turning that office from a disorganized free-for-all into something I could be proud of. I got SO much experience running a business. But after work sort of plateaued, I was just left with a job I enjoyed less and less as the months went by. I didn't have any support system, and I really began to realize how bad I am at making new friends. I'm really shy and I have trouble talking around big groups of people I don't know very well, and this always tends to come off as total snobbery. Of course, my solution is usually to just get really wasted, which doesn't win me any friends either. Nobody wants Conceited Obnoxious Girl at their party. After about 6 months I sort of decided that if I DID meet someone I could be friends with, I would have to explain to them that I had lived in this town for 6 months and didn't have any other friends yet. That fact alone embarrassed me into giving up on meeting people in Toledo.
Of course, there were some pretty awesome people in Toledo who I'm discounting here. Abby, a totally cool girl I served with in Columbus, was living in Toledo and going to school while I was there. Sarah, of Skeins and Beans fame, is a super sweet and super fun sock-knitting diva. Both of those girls were amazing and genuinely tried to draw me out of my shell. But I think that I eventually just had my heart set on moving back home.
Over Christmas my Grandfather passed away, three weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was a very sudden blow, and I felt completely alone for it. It sounds trite, but a few weeks after the funeral I sat down and made a list of things that are important to me, and things I want to do with my life. My list didn't include anything about having a lot of money, and it didn't include anything about having a job with an impressive title. It didn't include any of the reasons I had moved to Toledo in the first place. I decided then and there to stop living my life with the idea that "someday" I would make a move toward friends, a job I enjoyed, and generally being happy. That was basically when I decided that come summer, I would quit my job and move.
Obviously, just changing locations doesn't fix everything in your life. There's still things I need to work towards. But I think that if nothing else, the past 2 years gave me the perspective I needed to begin to improve myself, and to believe that if there's something cool I want to do, I should just DO it! In the next couple weeks, you will all start to hear more about Bruce and Brax's Special Project, which is (for both of us) a huge step in that direction.

Anyways, sorry for the big long post with only one picture!

1 comment:

Cabbage said...

I'm glad you and libby are both back!