Sit on the toilet.

Brax,

Get ready, cause my goat done got got.

Today I went to pee in a public toilet. It was a bathroom in a restaurant. It was perfectly clean.

When I got to the stall, the woman who had peed before me--this careful person, whose concern with the spread of communicable diseases should earn her some sort of medal from Lysol--she was so worried about germy germy germs that not only did she put toilet paper down on the seat, she also refrained from sitting down on the toilet-paper-covered seat. So that her pee went all over the seat. AND because she wanted to further protect herself, she left the toilet paper liner behind her, sort of hanging half off the seat onto the floor.

So I had to go get paper towels, use them to PICK UP HER BUTT-PROTECTOR and flush it down the toilet, then I had to WIPE HER PEE off the seat, and then make my own toilet paper toilet-seat-liner because I knew her pee had just been there. (Naturally, my toilet-seat liner did NOT end up halfway in the toilet, halfway on the floor. Plus I sat on it.)

LADY, WHEREVER YOU ARE, I JUST CLEANED UP YOUR PISS. I think that makes me a lot more likely to get a disease than you would from sitting your stupid butt down on the toilet.

Here is what sends me into fits of rage: Whenever you sit down in a public bathroom and realize "ewwwwwwwwww oh man I just sat in pee," it is because the asshole who peed before you was afraid to put the backs of her precious thighs on the public toilet seat. Not only is this inconsiderate and disgusting, it is also incredibly unsanitary. Way more unsanitary than, say, sitting down on the toilet seat.

What is more, these people do not care that someone else then has to cope with the piss they left laying around. What does it matter--the staff will clean it up, and they don't mind piss, right? I mean, they're poor. It's their job to deal with my golden, beautiful piss. It's just my job to keep the backs of my prissy, milky-white thighs sanitary.

Have you ever, in your whole life, ever heard of someone getting sick from a public toilet? EVER? No. No, you haven't. If you have it was either A) a friend of a friend of your mom's college roommate's cousin's dog, or B) one person once, in the vast number of people you've ever met in your life.

People don't get sick from public toilets, you guys. What do these people think they're going to catch? A head cold in their vagina? I bet they don't even know. I bet if I said "what are you worried about catching in the public bathroom?" to one of them, they'd say "umm....germs! diseases! pee is gross!"

And I would say unto them: Sit your whiny princess ass down on the toilet and pee like a regular person. Then wash your hands. Jesus Christ.

-Bruce