Sit on the toilet.

Brax,

Get ready, cause my goat done got got.

Today I went to pee in a public toilet. It was a bathroom in a restaurant. It was perfectly clean.

When I got to the stall, the woman who had peed before me--this careful person, whose concern with the spread of communicable diseases should earn her some sort of medal from Lysol--she was so worried about germy germy germs that not only did she put toilet paper down on the seat, she also refrained from sitting down on the toilet-paper-covered seat. So that her pee went all over the seat. AND because she wanted to further protect herself, she left the toilet paper liner behind her, sort of hanging half off the seat onto the floor.

So I had to go get paper towels, use them to PICK UP HER BUTT-PROTECTOR and flush it down the toilet, then I had to WIPE HER PEE off the seat, and then make my own toilet paper toilet-seat-liner because I knew her pee had just been there. (Naturally, my toilet-seat liner did NOT end up halfway in the toilet, halfway on the floor. Plus I sat on it.)

LADY, WHEREVER YOU ARE, I JUST CLEANED UP YOUR PISS. I think that makes me a lot more likely to get a disease than you would from sitting your stupid butt down on the toilet.

Here is what sends me into fits of rage: Whenever you sit down in a public bathroom and realize "ewwwwwwwwww oh man I just sat in pee," it is because the asshole who peed before you was afraid to put the backs of her precious thighs on the public toilet seat. Not only is this inconsiderate and disgusting, it is also incredibly unsanitary. Way more unsanitary than, say, sitting down on the toilet seat.

What is more, these people do not care that someone else then has to cope with the piss they left laying around. What does it matter--the staff will clean it up, and they don't mind piss, right? I mean, they're poor. It's their job to deal with my golden, beautiful piss. It's just my job to keep the backs of my prissy, milky-white thighs sanitary.

Have you ever, in your whole life, ever heard of someone getting sick from a public toilet? EVER? No. No, you haven't. If you have it was either A) a friend of a friend of your mom's college roommate's cousin's dog, or B) one person once, in the vast number of people you've ever met in your life.

People don't get sick from public toilets, you guys. What do these people think they're going to catch? A head cold in their vagina? I bet they don't even know. I bet if I said "what are you worried about catching in the public bathroom?" to one of them, they'd say "umm....germs! diseases! pee is gross!"

And I would say unto them: Sit your whiny princess ass down on the toilet and pee like a regular person. Then wash your hands. Jesus Christ.

-Bruce

All my posts are about cats!

Bruce,
Ugh, I'm hung over today. I hope I didn't make too much of an ass of myself last night. I really enjoy living in Columbus. Particularly the friends and hangouts. Of course, I do sort of miss my old apartment...the central air in particular. And there was so much space! I think the cats miss all that space too. They don't have as much room to run around, so they seem to be getting in each other's way a lot. They have taken to lazing around the new apartment, hiding in closets or trying to find cool spots on the floor. Fred has a really funny way of laying with his front feet together like so:

He is a little gentleman. Hmm, I think that's Katie's umbrella. Also, Oscar has developed a new fear: the garbage truck. Every few days, a truck comes to empty the dumpster, and Oscar crawls into the bed and hides under the comforter. What a big baby.

Anyway, the reason for all this old-apartment-sentimentalism is that yesterday, I drove up to Toledo and moved the last of my belongings outta there. That's right! I officially don't live in Toledo any more. I always leave a few weeks of "overlap" time between apartments, so that I have a little extra time before I have to have the old place clean and empty. It is unhelpful in some ways because for that month or whatever, you sort of have this "I still have moving to do" sword hanging over your head, and it is Blessed Relief to finally have that done. However, it is also very helpful to not have to have everything done in one marathon moving day.

(I think you'll remember that Historically Awful Move of 2003, where we all had leases beginning the exact day we had to be out of our shared house. It was sort of a nightmare, not helped by the fact that we threw a giant party the night before, complete with a stripper pole installed in the living room. But I digress.)

Anyway, even though we're working with a smaller space, I do like my new apartment. It has hardwood floors, plenty of windows, a basement, and a nice big kitchen. I will just have to get used to the cats doing their "exercise" at 5:30 in the morning: chasing each other back and forth across the length of the apartment, making sure to run across my head and hiss at each other with each pass.

Lylas,
Brax

the late-sleeper inferiority complex continues, PLUS: mosquitoes.

Brax,
I woke up this morning at around 9 and started reading my book, and the little girl in my book gets up extra early every day so she can take care of her chickens before school. Then I thought, my grandpa used to go to breakfast every day before work. Then I started thinking about how the Gilmore Girls go to breakfast. And isn't it nice? They go to breakfast together every day! Before work and school! I got sort of enchanted with the idea of getting up early enough to do stuff before the stuff you have to do. There are people out there who get up every morning, like, waaaay before they need to, just so they can do stuff in the morning.

Well.

I wish I could be like that. It seems so goddamn wasteful to sleep til 8:30 or 9 every day (if I've been drinking, 11:30). It's my natural cycle to wake up at 8:30 or 9, and I feel the happiest and the healthiest when I do this. Still. I was thinking about how nice it would be to have your day start all early-like. My mom gets up and takes the dog to the barn and visits all the animals and gives them treats. Then she reads the paper--all before work! I, on the other hand, when I had to be places in the morning (which I don't anymore) used to barely get up with enough time to shower, and I was usually 15 minutes late anyway. And I HATED IT. Hate. Ed. It.

So. Anyway, I am obviously not going to be one of those people, but wouldn't it be cool if I was? I'd wake up naturally at 6, and then have a cup of coffee and shower, and then I'd go to breakfast at Nancy's or something and I'd meet all the breakfast people there, because you know, the breakfast crowd at a restaurant is always a chummy group. I'd read the paper, and then I'd go to my job, which in this scenario is in New England in the autumn. My job is, obviously, something I wouldn't hate. Maybe I'd be a woodworker! Yeah. I'd take my dog with me to my wood working workshop. After breakfast. In New England. In autumn.

OK, back to the real world. I have 52 mosquito bites. No shit--52.

This seriously Gets My Goat.


The mosquitoes are really bad this year because of all the rain in June (12 inches! 3 times the usual amount), plus living by the river. I am a mosquito magnet. Instead of a bug zapper, just take me to the picnic with you. They always eat me alive. I've read somewhere that certain people have a yummy, yummy pheromone that makes mosquitoes want to eat them. I have this pheromone. I would say I got about half these bites on my parents' front patio on Wednesday night when you and Zach and I drank wine until 4:30 AM and you guys wouldn't believe me that that light in the east was the sun. The other half, I believe, I either got at Osprey Lake or on the patio of our Cheers.

Wherever they came from, I hate them. I've been all ate up all summer, but this here takes the cake. I don't like to use OFF or whatever because I just plain don't like chemicals. So I went ahead and got some of the Burt's Bees Natural Insect Repellent. It's a bunch of stinky oil that bugs don't like, like castor oil, rosemary oil, citronella oil, cedar oil, and peppermint oil. Yes--I personally smell like a giant citronella candle. I don't give a shit, I'm wearing this crap every single day until the first frost. I'm bathing in it. Those little jerks are going to have to eat someone else for a change. I'll let you know if it works.

Bruce

quickie post

Brax,
I'm in a hurry here because I'm about to go to lunch with KT and she's going to show up at my house and I'll be sitting on the couch in my Harry Potter boxers and this tank top which I only wear for pajamas because it is the nip slip tank top. She'll be all pissed at me for delaying the train to sandwich town.

SO here is what I wanted to share:

1) I hate the stupid Olympics. Preempt all my shows so I can watch some 19 year old swim laps? COME ON. I get it, people are into it, and whatever floats your boat. But I don't try and force everyone to get into cable knitting, do I? I don't put cable knitting on a Coke can and give it a theme song and try and make it seem real majestic. Nope.

2) I love Barack Obama. I also love this website which makes fun of people who love Barack Obama.

3) Check out this cuteness.

That's love, people.

Lunchtime!
Bruce

Brax Attack!

Bruce!

I'm back baby. Thank god your husband let me borrow his dad's laptop. This laptop is eerily similar to my old, totally dead one. Except it's big and beefy and designed for, say, an architect to take to a building site. Here is a brief description of my computer saga:

My old faithful Dell lappy just stopped working! I went to turn it on one day, and it just made a noise and showed some stuff on the screen. I decided the best course of action would be to turn it off and put it in my closet for awhile. Once it became clear that I needed a computer, I passed it on to Libby's cousin Topher to fix, because he's a whiz kid with computers. But to no avail! Apparently, the motherboard is shot, or maybe the hard drive. Something big.

So then, my Dad was generous enough to allow me to use his laptop. But when I got it, it ran super slow and wouldn't open programs and stuff. Oh no!!! I decided to try running a virus scan program, and it said something like, "There are 380 bad things on this computer." And then the virus scan guy shut down. I gave that one to Topher as well, and he's taking his sweet time reformatting it.

There you go, that is my official laptop saga. If this one breaks down I will just give up and live in a cabin on a lake somewhere. You might all be asking yourselves, "Why doesn't Kbrax just use her work computer to blog like she used to??" Well, that would be because I QUIT MY JOB!!! That's right! I quit my job and moved to Columbus, and I'm not lookin' back. At first, I couldn't find a job at all, and I was starting to question this whole "quitting your job without another one lined up" thing. But as depressing as it is to not have a job, it's way more depressing to be isolated in Toledo, OH with no friends. Now, I get to see all my buddies all the time! I even live in the same neighborhood as Bruce and Topher and his roommate Juan, so I'm very much happier now. Being unemployed has also allowed me to work hard on the "Bruce and Brax Super Secret Project to be unveiled in August!" I've also started on the Ramona sweater from Sensual Knits, by Jared Flood. I want to make every sweater in this book you guys!!

Here it is:

I'm making it out of Cascade Heather 220 in color "Turtle." You can't tell from the picture, but it's a really nice heather greeny green color.

Okay, I've gotta get back to super secret project work, so Braxie Out.

too too too too tooooo darn hot

Brax,

It is too hot to blowdry my hair. My hair is really thick and by the time I'm done I'm so sweaty that I shouldn't have bothered showering. It's also too hot to care that my hair looks crappy.

We have central air but we are not using it unless it gets above 85 degrees inside the house. I am proud to say that I have only had the air on four times this summer. All of those times, it was about 4 PM and the house was boiling, and I just turned on the air until the sun went down. My carbon footprint=reduced. I'm lucky in the sense that fans really make a difference in my house. In our old apartment there was absolutely no air circulation--sometimes it would be 70 degrees outside and about 400 million degrees inside. Anyway. We all need to do our part!

It is not exactly too hot to knit, but it is hot enough that my crafty mojo is sort of...lethargic? I've been doing some stuff. The Alexandra top:

Progress has been made, but now I've increased so much that it really looks like a crazy blob on those 24 inch needles. I get to separate the sleeves in a few rows here, then it will really look like something.

Also, birthday yarn!!!!!

Blogger is just DYING to upload my pictures sideways. Why? Why? Anyway, you can turn your computer sideways and see that this is my pretty pretty birthday-present-to-myself yarn worked up into a brioche stitch scarf. I always assumed brioche stitch would be hard. It's not. It's fun! It's sproingy.

I onlt bought 220 yards of the stuff, so it will probably be a pretty short scarf. A scarfette. Anyway, it will be nice and warm and soft and pretty.

And! Now that we live in a house with a yard, we can have plants! My dad gave me some zucchini seeds and Matt planted them. They poked up, like, immediately.

I'm a little nervous about them, since Aunt Purl had a hostile zucchini takeover. But I'm taking the chance. At this point, I think I'd be thrilled at a hostile zucchini takeover. Hooray! Zucchini!

See, I'm reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver, and it's one of those books that you can't read without reexamining the most basic assumptions of your day to day life. I know that is a vast claim to make, but it's absolutely true. I'm only about 50 pages in and I'm already all "NO MORE ASPARAGUS OUT OF SEASON! WHERE THE HELL DID THIS APPLE COME FROM? WHO LAID THIS EGG?" And so on. (Go on, send my husband a sympathy card, I won't be offended.)

I mean, I'm not going to go living off the land (yet). I live in the city! But next summer I'm going to garden something fierce, and I'm going to immediately renew my commitment to the farmer's market, which lapsed when we moved. I don't know what market to go to here. Any Columbus readers have a recommendation?

Sincerely,
Bruce

P.S. Cheer up!

Lazy summer days

Big secret project

Hey everyone!
Brax's computer is still over. (Hey Topher, FIX BRAX'S COMPUTER ALREADY, WILL YOU? I bet right now, as Topher is reading this, he is dicking around on the internet, so he should take an hour off from that and fix Brax's computer so this blog can stop being a monologue. I can't handle the pressure.)

FACT: I have not forgotten how to wait tables. It's kind of like riding a bike. Although I did forget how to cope with difficult customers. Sometimes you can make them happy, and sometimes you can pretty much rule out making them happy. You just have to do your best. (Some people go to restaurants when what they really want is a personal chef. For these people, you can do nothing. It is a hard, long road for them, to get rich enough to have a personal chef, and until that day they will never like any food they ever eat, because restaurants are jerks and have these "menu" things with a prescriptive dining agenda.)

Anyway, for the most part I am enjoying my return to serving. The money is good, and I love food and wine and generally I am pretty good at talking to people. You work your butt off, and at the end of the night you have a pocket full of cash and you get a beer. It is a lot more fun than sitting at a desk, I can tell you that.

I am only serving 2 nights a week, which is fine, because it gives me time to work on writing and designing and a new **********BIG SECRET PROJECT*********** that Brax and I are working on, to be unveiled in August. Big secret project! I can tell you this much: It involves yarn. Yarn will be a crucial part of this.

get excited!!

Bruce

Re/Defining The Fem/In/Ine

Brax,

It's a beautiful day here in the heartland! The sun is shining and the birds are singing and my neighbor is listening to an awesome country record real loud. I'm glad she's rocking out on a Saturday morning. Obviously she didn't stay up all night reading or she wouldn't be so perky.

I was reading Jamaica Inn all night. This was the second time I've read it. I love it. Look, people don't seem to know about Daphne Du Maurier. I never got assigned her in school or anything. She's another one of those authors that I am only lucky enough to know about because I have a very well read mom. You should check her out. (Start with Rebecca.) She's a first rate storyteller and a damn good writer.

I'm on this Daphne Du Maurier trip right now because
a) I was reading Jamaica Inn again and
b) yesterday we watched the Hitchcock marathon (hooray!) on TCM, and they showed The Birds and I remembered how I kept meaning to read that book, which is, coincidentally, by Daphne Du Maurier. I went ahead and ordered it.

She was apparently one of Alfred Hitchcock's favorite writers, because he adapted three of her books into movies (Jamaica Inn, Rebecca (Oscar winner, best picture 1940!) The Birds). I think this is really interesting considering how CRAZY SEXIST he was. Most of Du Maurier's books have interesting, strong, complex female lead characters. I haven't read The Birds yet, but I am pretty excited to see what the source material is like, since the movie is one of Hitchcock's lady-hatingest. If I ever went back to college for another useless liberal arts degree, I'd probably write a thesis called something like Re/Defining The Fem/In/Ine: Women in Hitchcock's Du Maurier Adaptations. I'd get an A on it, too. (Actually, that sounds really fun. Hm. Part of me could have really enjoyed academia if it didn't require so many deadlines and stuff. And if I felt like it had practical applications beyond intellectual circle jerks.)

Anyway. I started a new project!!!111@1!

It's a little early to tell, but that there is the Alexandra ballet sweater from Fitted knits. The yarn is Debbie Bliss Chunky Donegal Tweed. (I am ripping out the Cozy V-Neck sweater from Fitted knits in order to make it.) I was going to invent my own beautiful cabled cardigan pattern, and then I remembered that I wanted to go on a knitting vacation. This pattern is fun and easy! And really wearable. Plus I think it is a better use of the yarn than the V-Neck sweater. I'm so excited to be knitting for fun with some of my favorite things --green, tweed, chunky, raglan, cables. Updates to follow.

Sister is ready for winter.

Luv,
Bruce

Hallelujah! I Love Him

Badoodeedeedoo now if I call him on the--telephone
and tell him that I'm all alo-o-one
By the time I count from--one to four, I hear him
ba-doom ba-doom ba-doom
at my doooooorrr!

Ok, I'm not actually Hallelujah-ing about a Boy I Know. Why the glee? I finished the book knitting. BAM.

All done. Every little end done been wove in. (There is a crooked seam that I should probably fix, but that is the only cloud threatening my parade.)

What next, you guys? I sort of don't know what to do. I started a washrag last night, because Brax and the Science Pirate were coming over to knit and I wanted to just knit, like in the old days. I wanted to knit brainlessly and functionally. So I did a washrag, and it's mostly done now.

I know I said I was going to be a sock person, but that might not be happening because it turns out that knitting with tiny yarn is not my cup of tea. It is a little frustrating for me to spend that much time on a sock when I could spend that much time on a sweater. I don't know, maybe it's just that I keep accidentally pulling out the needles and dropping my yarn overs. I know that, in knitting, the main thing is to do a thing, and then when it's done you know how to do it and it's easy after that. So I'm making it a goal to do the socks, but I'd like to do something that is TOTALLY FUN first. I am thinking I might rip out that half-finished green v-neck sweater and turn it into a cabled cardigan. Because the combination of bulky green tweed, cables, and cardigans is pretty much the stuff of my heart. Raglan! Add raglan in there and me and this project have reached our...um...I don't know...some scene from a movie where people fall in love. That tent in Brokeback Mountain? Er...no. No.

Anyway, I think that's what I'll do, maybe. BOOK KNITTING: OVER. I might take a day off today! Relaxtown.

Take a moment out of your day to experience my new favorite blog, pls. So incredibly cute and funny.

Through this blog, I learned about Wordle, which is kind of making my day.

It is raining here, and although we have had a freaking boatload of rain in the last month, and I live close to the river, and it keeps washing out the bike path, and the mosquitoes are awful this year, I am enjoying the wet, cool, cloudy day. It seems like a good day to stay in and knit and write and think about how you and your friend knitted a book. (It's probably also a good day to resize sweater patterns for said book, but don't I deserve a day off? Come on.)

Are you guys getting bored? You've got short attention spans. Here's a cat picture.

That's Earl (left) and Burl. They live in the barn at my parents' house. They're brothers of Brax's cat, Eddie. Like Lucky Lucille, they came from my cousin Tammy's collection of strays. She found the mama all preggo, and took care of her and found homes for the babies. It could have been a sad story, but all the babies had happy endings. Earl and Burl are the snuggliest, healthiest, happiest barn cats you ever saw. Readers of this blog know that Eddie is SPOILED ROTTEN. Their 4th brother, Rudy, lives with Tammy in the house where he was born. Cats!

I am going to stop rambling like a crazy lady and go enjoy the rest of my celebratory day off.

Later!

Bruce